The Roller Coaster

I’ve been on a roller coaster the past couple of weeks. As life has kept moving on, I’ve had to take it one day at a time. As I have my good days and my not so good days, I’m faced with the reality of carrying this life-long grief and faced with the choice EVERY day of how I’m going to choose to carry on.

As I felt myself feeling more sadness the past couple of weeks, I started to let myself drown in my pity. I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for myself that I don’t get to carry my baby any longer or bring him home in April while other friends get to. Then, those feelings led to the thoughts of guilt when I let myself be sad. I kept thinking, my son is with Our Father. Flynn is in heaven. He’s HOME. I should be joyful. All the time. But why am I not?

Then I began to pray continuously in my sorrow. Praying that God would continue to provide me peace and comfort. As I sat on my couch the other day, feeling sad, I felt God speak to me. “Be still and know that I am God”. I have verses going through my mind daily, but this came out of nowhere. I wasn’t seeking for a verse to find comfort in, I know that it was God providing me with comfort and peace. As this came into my mind, I felt the weight come off. I felt The Lord taking my burden.

I’m learning that this is a continuous journey. I’m learning that I may not always feel joyous every day, but I’ll always rejoice in The Lord, even in my sadness. Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve continued to grow and learn that I can’t make a one time decision to give this over to God, but it’s a decision that I have to make every single day.

Flynn’s life was a gift and he was an answer to my prayers. For a couple of months before we lost him, I had been praying for God to soften my heart and mind and for Him to open my eyes to the world as He sees it. Flynn has been an answer to these prayers.

It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to be sad, but how do we choose to deal with our grief and sadness? I know that I can’t do it alone. When I try, I fail miserably. God loves us more than we can possibly understand and He will take our burdens if we let Him. There’s nothing too big or too small. We can’t do it alone. Be still and know.

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