It’s hard to believe that it’s already been one week since we were faced with the reality that we would not be bringing home our baby in April. Last Tuesday afternoon, I was sitting on my couch filled with so much joy. So much joy that I was carrying our fourth child. So much joy in the gift of life that God had given to us yet again. I couldn’t wait to go to my prenatal appointment at 4:20pm just so I could hear our little one’s heartbeat. God had a different plan for us. At 17 weeks and 3 days, we didn’t get to hear our baby’s heart beat again.
After some hugs and tears, my doctor gave me some medication to begin the process of softening my cervix and sent me home to come back for a d & c surgery the next morning. I was crushed when she said we would not hold our baby or get to see our baby after the procedure was done. There would be nothing left to hold. That night as I laid in my bed, I cried and I prayed continuously. I prayed “Lord, if there’s any possible way that we can see our precious baby and get to know their gender and give them the name we’ve chosen for them, I pray that You would let it happen.” About 10 minutes later, I felt a pop and my water broke. I gave birth to a 1/2 oz, 5 inch long baby boy in our home. He was beautiful. His little eyes, ears, nose, mouth… 10 fingers… 10 toes… We got to give him the name that we had chosen for him, Flynn Andrew. We cried together, held our baby, took pictures for our keepsake, and thanked God. My doctor hadn’t prepared us for the possibility of an at home birth because it is so rare that it happens. We know in our hearts that it was the Lord answering our prayers and for that, we are forever grateful.
Throughout this journey, I’ve never been angry with God. Instead, I’ve been able to rejoice in our circumstances, even through the pain and heartache. This pregnancy gave me incredible joy. In every movement I felt, every pants size that I went up… I can’t even explain it. We got to have our baby at home so that we could hold him, touch him, and spend time with him outside of a hospital. So many answered prayers and so many reasons to rejoice in our pain. And God continues to carry us.
” For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
– Jeremiah 29:11
In one week, our faith has already grown. Would I have chosen for it to happen this way? No. But I find peace in knowing that the God of the universe knows better than I do. I find peace in knowing that His plan is far better than mine. I find peace in knowing that He loves our baby Flynn far more than we do. And I find peace in knowing that He loves us far more than we could ever imagine. It hasn’t been an easy journey so far and I know I’ll still have my moments of heartbreak for the little boy that I don’t get to have in my arms. But what more could I desire for his life than the eternal life that he has in heaven with Jesus?
Tony and I knew that this circumstance could make or break our faith. We have chosen and continue to choose to grow stronger in our faith and closer in our relationship with The Lord. Flynn’s short life has a purpose and he was chosen for us for a reason. Lord, please be glorified through this little boy’s life and be glorified in how we carry on without him on this earth.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing”
– James 1:2-4
We can’t thank you enough to everyone for your thoughts, words, prayers, meals, cards, gifts, flowers, and support. There is SO much power in prayer and we have experienced it first hand throughout the past week.
I’ve never been so grateful for the salvation I have in Christ.
Until we meet again, my sweet Flynn. I love you with all my heart and I miss you deeply… I always will.